Useless Science.

I read a really great article on the Popular Science website in their 'science confirms obvious' section. It basically says the following: Young people use alcohol to increase chances of hooking up. Really. Click here to read it yourself. You don't need to read anymore, because the title sums up exactly what kind of common sense our scientists are spending their time and our money researching. But why? Perhaps....

"Studies confirm that scientists conduct studies involving young people and alcohol as a way to increase their odds of hooking up with interviewees."

Confirming that even scientists are not immune to primal urges, European scientists have noticed an increase in their colleagues interviewing young people in bars and nightclubs across the land, about subjects like alcohol, drugs and foreplay. Seeing an opportunity for graphs and lots of data points, the scientists eagerly approached this new statistical horn of plenty.

The results of a survey of 41 European scientists that were conducting other surveys, published in the journal WTF Public Heath, indicate that ninety percent of the male interviewers and a quarter of the females intentionally conducted surveys of young teens drinking alcohol in order to increase their chance of hooking up with the interviewees. Drugs like marijuana, cocaine, and ectasy were taken ahead of time to make the interview process less boring and prolong their interactions with hopes that all the sex talk would get the interviewees in the mood. It's no accident, the team concluded, that scientists are only personable on drugs.

"Trends in recent centuries have resulted in drug use and alcohol consumption as routine ways to make scientists less boring," said lead author Dr. Rodney Carrington, a public-health researcher, and verified virgin, from Liverpool John Moores Univeristy in England.

The researchers also probed their scientist cohorts for tips on how to couple with the opposite sex under the guise of doing 'research'. Despite the deceptive nature of the practice, the scientists had no morning after regrets and all interviewers indicated that unsafe sex was better than no sex, a finding that proved to be the polar opposite of the results from the same question posed to the interviewees. This rejection after the fact, Carrington said, does not appear to discourage this mating strategy. "It is even believed that most interviewers participating in his practice anticipate and expect such results," Carrington concluded as he walked out of the bar with an overweight drunk co-ed and his number two pencil full of lead.